I Didn't Know My Own Strength

As I sit here and watch my most favorite episode of Oprah, I reflect on the life of the great Ms. Whitney Houston.  I am so glad that Oprah did this interview with her in 2009.  Whitney EXHALED.  She let a lot of things go!  She was pure.  She was new.  She was fresh.  And when she told Oprah she could ask her ANYTHING, Oprah did in only the style that Oprah can.  She wasn't intrusive, she wasn't accusing.  Whitney poured her heart out.  She laughed, she cried and talked about it ALL...drugs, Bobby, and even Bobbi  Kristina.  Some of the things Whitney said touched me.  Ok, I'm not gonna lie!  I balled like a baby.

This interview came at a time in MY life when I needed to "know my own strength".  I had been through the wringer and was AT rock bottom in my life.  I HAD NO ONE BUT FAMILY! My so-called friends were gone. I was left to fight this battle with the Lord, my husband and kids, my grandmother and my mother, my brothers and my dad.  I knew they were praying for me while I was out of control.  I  knew they wanted me to "get it together".  Now don't get it twisted.  Chemical drugs was NOT an issue for me.  Alcohol was NOT an issue for me, but MONEY was my drug.  Wasn't the lack thereof, that would be crazy.  As soon as it hit my hand, I was spending it!  Trying to "Keep Up With The Joneses" and that's a hard track to follow.  Bills were late, and many times unpaid.  But  not once did my boys go without.  Not once did we LOOK shabby, but inside my family was broken.  I needed help and only that of a Godly intervention.  That intervention would come in the form of 18 months in county jail.  BUT GOD.....

During that time I had lots of time to reflect.  I wanted to get home because I missed my boys and wanted another chance, but the entire time I could hear God saying "you're not ready yet" and He was right!  I wasn't.  I saw so many people come and go with many of them to return SEVERAL times.  But obviously God didn't want that place to be a revolving door for me. I never got content there, but I accepted being there.  God had a work to do in me.  Prayer circles, Bible studies with other inmates, keeping myself busy as I could providing the circumstances.  Praying ALL the time and I know that my family was praying for me.  But one afternoon before dinner I saw an episode of Oprah that changed my entire life!

Just like we did everyday we watched Oprah in the unit.  Even if it wasn't an interesting topic, everyday at 4pm it was a given.  Just so happened this was THE interview.  Whitney Houston was there and all 60 women listened!  NEVER had I seen that unit so quiet as it was that day!  The television was up high on the wall and I remember standing up in front of the television the entire interview.  Whitney's purging and cleansing was what I needed to hear.  Even though her struggle wasn't exactly the same as mine, her addiction was an addiction all the same.  And since she and I shared a birthday, I listened to her.  Whitney had something to say because I sorta felt like we were kindred souls.

She talked about WHY she did the drugs.  She talked about HOW she did the drugs.  She talked about WHEN she did the drugs and I realized at THAT POINT, I had to be honest about what I was going through with myself and ask for forgiveness from God and my family.  I also had to forgive myself.  At the end of that interview, Whitney sang "I Didn't Know My Own Strength" and I cried like a baby!  God was working on me and in me.  I knew at that moment what I should have known all the time, "I WAS NOT BUILT TO BREAK".  After that interview, I went into my cell and got on my knees and cried and shouted as much as I could until I got it all out and I LISTENED to God.  Something I had never done before.  He chastised me as he does His children and then He held me and rocked me and I understood.  A few weeks later, I heard Him say "Its Time".  I had to use the tools God gave me from Bible study and prayer to utilize in the world.

I used a lot of time when I returned home to my family to reflect.  I cut a lot of people loose.  I didn't go places I used to go, I didn't do things I used to do.  I had changed and I had to act as if I had.  It was definitely a painful process.  Some of the people  I let go I really cared for but there was no growth.  There was no positiveness. Now I have people in my life that genuinely care.  They pray with me and for me.  They pray for my family.  They pray for my recovery.

Recovery?  Why did I say that?  Lets start here.  Webster's Dictionary says that recovery is the process of combating a disorder (as alcoholism) or a real or perceived problem. And anyone that has an addiction or a disorder knows that recovery is a day to day battle.  I am proud to say I am on top of those things today.  I am proud to say that God has blessed me because I learned how to handle the smaller blessings he gave me.    I am proud to say that "I Didn't Know My Own Strength" and it feels so good to have God's favor!

Thank you Ms. Houston so much for waking ME up!  Your testimony brought me through!  I didn't know my own strength until you shared your story! Your life, your struggle, your story is one that I will always remember and I thank you for your cleansing because it truly helped me with mine!



Lost touch with my soul
I had nowhere to turn, I had nowhere to go
Lost sight of my dream
Thought it would be the end of me

I, I thought I'd never make it through
I had no hope to hold on to
I, I thought I would break

I didn't know my own strength
And I crashed down and I tumbled, but I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn't know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour, my faith  kept me alive
I picked myself back up, hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn't know my own strength

Found hope in my heart
I found the light to life my way out of the dark
Found all that I need here inside of me

Oh, I thought I'd never find my way
I thought I'd never lift that weight
I thought I would break

I didn't know my own strength
And I crashed down and I tumbled, but I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
I didn't know my own strength

Survived my darkest hour, my faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up, hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn't know my own strength

There were so many times
I wondered how I'd get through the night
I thought I took all that I could take

I didn't know my own strength
And I crashed down and I tumbled, but I did not crumble
I got through all the pain
Oh, I didn't know my own strength

My faith kept me alive
I picked myself back up, I hold my head up high
I was not built to break
I didn't know my own strength

I was not built to break, no, no
I got to know my own strength