A letter for Ma
Today, I tried to stay as strong as I humanly can. And I think I did a great job. Its 4:44pm CST and I haven't had any anxiety medication in almost 2 weeks (this coming Friday). I thought about it last night, and promised myself I could handle it. Every day would get better and there wouldn't be any sorrow, because she wouldn't want it that way. But today...RIGHT NOW...I feel myself slinking in. Back down into that dark place that is so hard to come out of.
Today makes 2 months since she's left us. We haven't had a loss in the family in over 30 years (when my great-grandmother passed away). This one has rocked us. More so for my mom, my uncle and myself. Everyone else seems unphased. Like she was never here anyway. I guess when you don't visit people and call like you could and should, its easy to ignore them, because to you they weren't there anyway. I will NEVER forget my grandma. I don't know how anyone could. Maybe its because I talked to her more than the other 4 grandkids. Maybe its because I was her little girl (legally). Or maybe it was because we shared a bond like non other. But today, THIS DAY, I miss her something awful and I know that she is watching over me. My guardian angel. She is with me forever and shall never leave. She stands at the gates waiting for our reuniting all over again! Just the thought of it makes me happy and sad at the same time.
So I am learning to keep ME busy. Keep me occupied, because if I allow my mind to run like it can, I will make myself sick. 78 years is a VERY long time to live and she lived a full life. And to be considered a medical miracle should make me smile. But I fight. I fight the fight of Heart Disease. I fight the fight of Diabetes. I fight the fight of equal rights for our older and elderly citizens. I fight the fight of faith, strength, hope and peace, with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ at the forefront.
I can't lie and say its not hard. Every single day is a struggle since our matriarch has left us. I know she is in a much better place. A building not made by man's hands. A place where the streets are paved with gold. Her very own mansion! No home repairs will ever need to be made and no one ever lived there. It was built waiting for her arrival.
So today, and every 6th of the month until it gets easier, I celebrate my grandmother, the late Susie Mae Jones. She was phenomenal and I am so godly proud that I was blessed to have her as my own.
I love you Ma and I am doing my best to take care of those 3 blessings you loved so much. They miss you but not as much as I do. I did it again, I called without thinking and things spiraled out of control emotionally for me. But I thank God for his peace and Seneca being here for me. I will never understand why I never got to say good bye, but I am so grateful for the 36 years God gave me with you. It doesn't seem like enough, but last night, Pat and I had a great laugh about some of the things you used to say! Terry is fine, I call him a couple times a week to check on him and Pam and Fred are Pam and Fred. Pat is holding it together as much as she can and we talk about you alot! We miss you. We're working on getting that tree cut down so it won't fall down on the house and we haven't done anything with the boys' toys (although I'm sure that is next) because you didn't want us to while you were here. Nothing is changing and we are keeping everything just as you would want. I think I am gonna pick up working on plants. Bring your flower garden back. That was one of your favorite things to do before you weren't able to do it anymore and I have since started back to choir rehearsal (singing was something we both loved). Well I know you have to run, I just wanted you to know that we mortals down here are hanging on! OH! Our Chicago Bulls are pulling through! D. Rose is still a beast! LOL!!!!! Jalen has an AFJROTC ceremony this week and Tyler will be home this weekend, for Mother's Day! I can't believe it is summer break for him already and Cameron has another sty, but we are working on it just as you used to. I pray he doesn't have to have surgery like Tyler and I did. Well, I know you have to run, I just wanted you to know us mere mortals are hanging on! I wish you were here to tell me how to handle all of this, but I know you have left me with everything I need to move forward. I miss you so, SO much. I gotta run, here come the tears!
Love Always,
Nieccee
Today makes 2 months since she's left us. We haven't had a loss in the family in over 30 years (when my great-grandmother passed away). This one has rocked us. More so for my mom, my uncle and myself. Everyone else seems unphased. Like she was never here anyway. I guess when you don't visit people and call like you could and should, its easy to ignore them, because to you they weren't there anyway. I will NEVER forget my grandma. I don't know how anyone could. Maybe its because I talked to her more than the other 4 grandkids. Maybe its because I was her little girl (legally). Or maybe it was because we shared a bond like non other. But today, THIS DAY, I miss her something awful and I know that she is watching over me. My guardian angel. She is with me forever and shall never leave. She stands at the gates waiting for our reuniting all over again! Just the thought of it makes me happy and sad at the same time.
So I am learning to keep ME busy. Keep me occupied, because if I allow my mind to run like it can, I will make myself sick. 78 years is a VERY long time to live and she lived a full life. And to be considered a medical miracle should make me smile. But I fight. I fight the fight of Heart Disease. I fight the fight of Diabetes. I fight the fight of equal rights for our older and elderly citizens. I fight the fight of faith, strength, hope and peace, with my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ at the forefront.
I can't lie and say its not hard. Every single day is a struggle since our matriarch has left us. I know she is in a much better place. A building not made by man's hands. A place where the streets are paved with gold. Her very own mansion! No home repairs will ever need to be made and no one ever lived there. It was built waiting for her arrival.
So today, and every 6th of the month until it gets easier, I celebrate my grandmother, the late Susie Mae Jones. She was phenomenal and I am so godly proud that I was blessed to have her as my own.
I love you Ma and I am doing my best to take care of those 3 blessings you loved so much. They miss you but not as much as I do. I did it again, I called without thinking and things spiraled out of control emotionally for me. But I thank God for his peace and Seneca being here for me. I will never understand why I never got to say good bye, but I am so grateful for the 36 years God gave me with you. It doesn't seem like enough, but last night, Pat and I had a great laugh about some of the things you used to say! Terry is fine, I call him a couple times a week to check on him and Pam and Fred are Pam and Fred. Pat is holding it together as much as she can and we talk about you alot! We miss you. We're working on getting that tree cut down so it won't fall down on the house and we haven't done anything with the boys' toys (although I'm sure that is next) because you didn't want us to while you were here. Nothing is changing and we are keeping everything just as you would want. I think I am gonna pick up working on plants. Bring your flower garden back. That was one of your favorite things to do before you weren't able to do it anymore and I have since started back to choir rehearsal (singing was something we both loved). Well I know you have to run, I just wanted you to know that we mortals down here are hanging on! OH! Our Chicago Bulls are pulling through! D. Rose is still a beast! LOL!!!!! Jalen has an AFJROTC ceremony this week and Tyler will be home this weekend, for Mother's Day! I can't believe it is summer break for him already and Cameron has another sty, but we are working on it just as you used to. I pray he doesn't have to have surgery like Tyler and I did. Well, I know you have to run, I just wanted you to know us mere mortals are hanging on! I wish you were here to tell me how to handle all of this, but I know you have left me with everything I need to move forward. I miss you so, SO much. I gotta run, here come the tears!
Love Always,
Nieccee
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